Church of Gerbil Presents
GERBILS IN HISTORY!
A 100% purely factual account of the Gerbil King's historical exploits.
By scientists, it is said that the universe was created in a gigantic explosion of matter that was contained in an infintismaly small space. To contest this would be ludicrous, the universe was not created BY the Gerbil God, but rather at his request.
That aside, we may now begin our journey.
The gerbil's influence on history has often been a subtle one. Just as the Gerbil King merely requested the creation of the universe, he often just influenced the actions of mankind in his rise to world destruction.
- 1,500,000 years ago, a gerbil scurries in front of early man. Man throws rock, misses gerbil, hits other rock.
Spark is thrown, and rock is sharpened. Fire and tool making are created in one fell swoop.
- A man observers a gerbil rolled into a ball, rolling down a small earthen mound. The Wheel.
- 4,000 BC: Master tablet maker Akkadia of the Mesopotamian civilization sets clay out to dry. A gerbil runs across the tablet leaving foot prints. Written Language is born.
- 3300 BC: Upper and Lower Egypt absorb the much lesser know, but gerbil worshipping Middle Egypt. Blind priest mistakes gerbil statue as that of a cat. Also mistakes gerbil den as a strange triangular form. Egyptian religion, and pyramids are not long to follow.
- 1,500 BC: On a food hunt for the hungry Isralies, Moses follows a gerbil colony up MT. Sinai, where the Gerbil King gives him the 10 Condiments ( a commonly adulterated version, which exists in the Old Testament). Moses returns and finds his people worshiping an idol of, not a cow as commonly believed, but of a hamster, Moses freaks.
- 800 BC: Greeks observe a gerbil colony in a close circle. each gerbil has a red bean and a white bean. Gerbils place beans in center, red beans win, a poor gerbil is excommunicated. The gerbils then sit in a semi circle and watch other dancing gerbils. Democracy and theater are born.
- 753 BC: Romulus, impaired with an intense gerblophobia, builds the great city of Rome on a gerbil nest in an attempt to wipe it out.
- 610 BC: A young Zoroaster spies two gerbils engaged in mortal combat. Then in a deep sleep caused by toxic fumes of gerbil feces, he is visited in a dream by the Gerbil King. Zoroastrianism is born.
- 600 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar of the Babylonian empire builds a gigantic terrarium to house his fabled, but forgotten gerbil collection. Hanging Gardens are classified as a Wonder of The World.
- 0 BC: The Gerbil King decides it is time that humans have an idol of their own to worship. He Himself goes to Earth in the form of a young man named Bobo of Nazareth. At 18, faced with such a horrible name, Bobo legally changes it to Jesus. Preaches of the Gerbil King at an animal rights rally in the temple, is tried, and under the orders of Pontius Pilot who himself is in a gerbil feces induced stupor, is crucified. Christianity, a form of perverted Gerbilism is born.
- 611 AD: a young man named Mohammed is visited by the Gerbil King, then going by the alias of Allah to protect his anominimity. Islam created.
- 900-1300 AD: The Vikings, lead by an intense desire for gerbil meat, begin to explore the world for a suitable source of this delicacy.
- 1350-1600 AD: After the dark ages, and driven to the point of insanity by a massive gerbil infestation, Renaissance writers, inventors, and artists, begin work on their masterpieces.
- 1348 AD: RATS NOT GERBILS SPREAD BUBONIC PLAGUE!
- 1492 AD: Columbus, while in a gerbil feces induced hallucinatory state, tries to sail through America. Indians are slaughtered and a fine? country is born.
- 1500-1700 AD: Scientific Revolution takes place. Galileo, interested by the enlargement of a gerbil under a curved glass, makes the first telescope. Copernicus, after watching little gerbils run around big fat gerbils formulates that the earth revolves around the sun. Newton sitting in his den, is hit on the head by a gerbil falling from his rodent infested rafters. Ashamed of his rodent problem he changes the story to his apple orchard and gravity is discovered.
The Gerbil King then went silent for many years, content with his progress he hibernates until as described in the preceding page, he once again reveals himself to Hacim in the Second Coming of the Gerbil King!!.
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© Church of Gerbil 1997