The Holy War

Background Information

Mission Accomplished! - Gerbil God declares victory!

That is correct all you wonderful people. The Church Of Gerbil (CoG) has entered into a Holy War, a net crusade if you will. Our enemy The Church of the Bunny. Being the first Holy War to take place on the web, we have a standard to set for millions of religious fanatics to follow, The Gerbil calls upon us all in these trying times, so may we please do our best to answer his small but important requests? It was long thought that we were losing this war horribly, and to tell you the truth (since the Gerbil doesn't lie) we were. But now since we have been flogged for 40 days by a wet noodle and we are back in spiritual shape, we are ready to wash over the earth in rabbit blood. We want to give a special shout out right now to all you who sent us email in support. You will be rewarded in this life and the afterlife. And a special shout out to that guy who sent me the picture of 500 dead bunnies. Note: The Church of Gerbil does not truelly condone harm to small fuzzy animals of any kind. Gerbilists worship rabbits as minor deities, it is only their worshipers we wish to eradicate.

Who are we fighting?

That is actually a very good question. Like most holy wars, we aren't out to stomp out the evil Satin (spelled that way on purpose), but rather for purely personal gain. Furthermore, the bunnies theology differs from our own in one important area, Lime Green Jello. For gerbilists, lime jello is a beautiful thing, not only nutritionally, but in other ways also. What would be better than to dive into a pool of jello on a hot day! Can you feel that soft cooling frictionless substance on your skin as you suffocate at the bottom of the pool.... Ahhhhh how beautiful.

What are we fighting for?

Don't' Ask Me I Don't Give A Damn! The Next Stop Is Bunnyland! thank you Country Joe McDonald. Seriously, our goal is unity of all fuzzy religions under Gerbilism. We would much rather prefer assimilation to all out carnage, but some people don't like peaceful negotiations.

What do we hope to accomplish?

Yet Another Excellent Question! Since CoG and CotB are so similar, yet so vastly different, we will hold off on ritual sacrifice of CotB members, and instead only ask the The Church Of The Bunny lie with all the other fuzzy animal religions, under the great big Gerbilism umbrella. If, however, they do not wish to comply, then we break out our electric knives and assure that they only have one paw to leave on the ground!

How can I help?

Perhaps the most important question of all!! How YOU can help is simple. Give us your first born child for ritual enslavement. Do not deny the Gerbil. Do not betray the Gerbil. Pledge your support for the Gerbil every where you go.

Is there anything else I can do?

Visit the propaganda and how can I help sections for more information.

Return to the Holy War page
Return to the main page.
ęChurch of the Gerbil 1997